ONE YEAR !

 

 

ONE YEAR LATER ! 

Two days ago was the one year anniversary of my Heart Attack. I did not post that day for it was my day, for me.

August 11, 2013- August 11, 2014.

I could sit here and give you all an emotional post or try to be somewhat inspirational on what is my 1 year anniversary of having a Heart Attack at age 35.  That’s not what I am here to do.

1 Year later I can simply say this.  I am better, healthier, more alive, mature and probably the most awesome “Me” that I have ever been.  I am not the same guy but I love who I am even with the differences.

1 Year later I will not say it was easy to get here, not remotely easy but it was worth it.

1 Year later I accept and appreciate all that got me here.  The hard work and the fun stuff.

1 Year later I am happy and I think I have only just begun to re take the reset of my heart and my life to the next level.

1 Year later I truly and honestly for the first time in my life fully love and accept who I am.  Flaws and all.

I enjoyed the day … by disconnecting from social media and the news, reading a book, going for a walk or two and just reflecting and being thankful.  I also had Ice Cream.

Sometimes all one needs is a little time to disconnect and be with their own thoughts to truly have a good day.

Bring on Year #2 !

Mini

 

The Inspiration Inside.

Sunday June 1st I completed the Jugo Juice 10 K race at the Calgary Marathon in a time of 1 hour, 10 mins, 47 seconds unofficially at the moment.

The moment I crossed the finish line I finally became my own inspiration and my own hero.

IPHONE JUNE 14 581

Why do I say this ?  Because I became a firsthand witness to all it took to get there, to take the first steps and fight back on the hard days. There were definitely hard days. So. Many. Hard. Days.

 Is it narcissistic of me?  Maybe.  But not really.  I rarely toot my own horn.

Most people I know have people who they look up to for inspiration.  It could be an actor, athlete a friend or family member.  I too have had past inspirational people I have looked up to. But I wonder why can’t someone be their own inspiration ?

The answer:  because we focus on what’s wrong with us or are ashamed of our stories to really inspire ourselves. We are afraid of Judgement, ridicule.  We pick at the lack of success or the body parts we hate or the last 10 lbs.  We do not realize how great we really are or even how others may see us.

I am willing to bet you have at least one person who you have inspired.  Think about it, you may realize by someone’s actions that it was you who helped them make that change or take that step.  Now…look in the mirror and realize that you can and have it in you to inspire yourself to new levels. Stop worrying about what others think of your story, you may be surprised at the support you get.

IPHONE JUNE 14 585

I use to hate when people said I inspire them, I was uncomfortable, uneasy.  Who am I to inspire?  I thought I was a complete screw up.   A life screw up.  I focused on my bad decisions, the failures.  I hated my so called lot in life for so long.  Not anymore.

Then I had a Heart Attack. It was the best thing that could have happened. Truth.

It wasn’t until after that I really started seeing my own self worth and yes even why some people said to me that they are inspired by me…..even long before this Heart Attack. 

Through months of rehab, to making better lifestyle choices and never giving up and realizing the sweat and pain was going to get me somewhere, I took the step to the start line of the 10 K.

My friend Sam ran this race with me and I met up with  2 other Cardiac Rehab graduates before the race.  15,000 people took a step that day, that is a huge accomplishment in itself.

jugo3

The race wasn’t easy but wasn’t hard either. It was amazing for me, exhilarating, fun.  I spent the previous week being nervous.  Could I do it ?  Would my heart hold up ?  Was my training adequate ?

Yes, Yes and Yes. 

As each step brought me closer to the finish line I smiled knowing that all I have been through made it all worth it.

As I crossed the finish line I realized for the first time, that all along as I was looking around for inspiration to get better, to be healthy and take steps forward in my life but it took finishing that race to realize……I had it in me the entire time.  My own will to succeed, my determination and my attitude of never give up.

Me and my litel buddy Olaf !
Me and my litel buddy Olaf !

I will still get uneasy when people tell me I inspire them, for I don’t do well with compliments and I am just simply a man trying to live as best I can for as long I can.

 I will smile knowing that as long as I keep inspiring myself then maybe, just maybe I can be an inspiration to others.

June 1, 2014, I became my own hero.  My own Inspiration.  Friends, YOU have this inside you, just look a little deeper when you look in that mirror.

 Mini

Jugo Juice Calgary 10K Race- 8 days until I bring it !

scotia half
Photo courtesy of : www.calgarymarathon.com

 

8 Days from now on June 1st, at 7:30 am,  I will run my first official race since my Heart Attack and I am actually looking forward to it.  I have been training and although I am not as fast as I’d like to be, I am ready.

I am participating in the Jugo Juice Calgary 10 K as part of the Scotiabank Marathon festivities.  I will be running alongside a few other Heart Attack Survivors and with one friend on behalf of Total Cardiology, Cardiac Wellness Institute and the Libin Institute.

JUGO1

8 days is going to come fast.  I am not nervous, not excited, not scared.  I am just anxiously awaiting this challenge.  I need to prove nothing to anyone other than myself that I can do this, I know I can do this.

For anyone who has ever ran, they know exactly how much punishment your body goes through in a race, in training.  I have done many races in my past and some were hard as hell.  I think this one will be my hardest. Looking at the race Map, it looks to be a little tough and slightly scenic.  There no time goals.  Just Finish and Finish Strong.

10k_thumb_ms1

It will be my hardest, not because I am not ready but because I know I will be battling my brain with each step I take.  I could be wrong.  I hope I am wrong.

The journey to this race started the day I walked into Cardiac Rehab and could barely last 10 minutes on a treadmill.  I know now I can last at least an hour.  I  know that I need to listen to my body, watch my heart rate monitor and be very hydrated.  I also need to ensure I am positive in my thoughts and my words as I hit each Kilometer   This has to be my smartest race.

The last race or run I did was the Color Me Rad 5K with my friends, Dannica, Dan and Josie and I still remember how much fun it was.  I am glad it is my last race memory as it lets me remember why I run.  The fun.  The fun and seeing others accomplish something they did not think they could do.  That is why I started running.

I won’t forget how big Dannica’s smile was when she finished the race.  I was so proud of her !  I hope I have a smile as big as hers when I cross the finish line on June 1.

CRAD1
Look how clean we look ! Dan, Josie, Dannica and Me.
CRAD2
Not so clean anymore. Me, Dannica, Josie and Dan

The finish line.  For some reason I really want a familiar face or two at the end, waiting for me.  A friend, family member….someone.  I have never ever wanted anyone to be waiting for me at the end before.  I am not sure why I desire this now.

I will not ask anyone but if any of my friends are reading this and maybe want to show up, I would be ok with that 🙂

Bring on the 10 K.  This one is for me and I have a little something special planned for this race.

I may not be first and I there is a chance I may be last but no matter what, I will cross that finish line.

Mini

My Story in The Calgary Journal !

 

A few months ago I was asked by my friend Michelle if I would be willing to share part of my Heart Attack and Sport/ Running story with the Calgary Journal.  Without hesitation I said yes and awaited contact from the Magazine.

The Calgary Journal is a University Magazine produced by Students at Mount Royal University in Calgary, Alberta.  The Magazine is distributed free to many locations across Calgary.  I picked up my copy at my Gym- Fitness Plus.

The article I felt was well written and detailed.  It was so cool to see my story in a paper !  I was interviewed by Quinton Amudson and he was very thorough in is questions and was great at confirming my answers and allowing me to tell my story.  Quinton did seem generally interested in what I had to say and had follow up questions.

The only correction I need to address is that I did not have Bypass surgery.  I had Stent Surgery.

I do wish he had two pages to share as we had a long conversation he day he spoke with me.  I was excited he chose my photos from my RunDisney races out of the many I sent him.

Reading the article encourages me to continue my writing.  Who knows, maybe one day I will be writing of the stories of others in a magazine or newspaper.

Below is the Article.  There are many great articles in this issue.  Please share with friends and family.  Thank you Calgary Journal for allowing me to share my story with you ! Click the Link below to read.

Mini

CALGARY JOURNAL ARTICLE

STORY

 

 

http://issuu.com/calgaryjournal/docs/may2014

Dear Universe, I am just putting this out there….

In the months since my Heart Attack I have been consumed with making my life more than it is, more enlightened, more enriched and purely enjoyable.

Now, for the most part so much has gone right.  I have accomplished in some situations, more than I could have imagined.

RUNNING1

You see Universe, I come to you to address and put forth one area of my life that I have struggled with for quite some time. 

Yes, two parts of my life are not what I’d wish.  My absent love life and my career, however  today I wish to focus on the other and put faith in the world that combined with my own determination and skills will be accomplished and enrich my life. 

You see Universe, I have a job.  I have a job that I am not happy with. In fact as you are aware my career has been on a downhill slope since about 2009.  Some of it my own doing some of it were circumstances out of my control.

thoughts

 

Since my return to work I have been more than just unsatisfied and unfulfilled.  I have been frustrated I have dreaded even walking into the building.  I have felt things that I just cannot ignore.  I am tired of being somewhere that lacks any real people focus.  Both Client and Employee.

 

 

 I realize that I am better than I give myself credit for.

 

You see Universe, I desire more.  I have tried numerous ways to find new work.  I have tried to just embrace what I have so that I am not miserable everyday in hopes that will help in my job search.

You see Universe, I am never one to give up.  The job search is no different but in my job I am almost there for more reasons than can be explained in one letter.

You see Universe, I have tried everything but this.  I have yet to ask you for your help.  Your help to show me how to align my life that will welcome a career that I will enjoy even on the tough days.  A job where I feel like I am doing something more than just lining the pockets of the executives and owners.  A job where I feel valued as an asset.  A job where I can utilize the best of me and have desire to do my best to line those pockets while making a difference in my life as well as those I am surrounded by. A job that I am proud to announce that I do and not shudder at the thought of being asked “ What do you do ?” A job where I can grow and stay for a long time.

 

You see Universe, whether I work for a big corporation or a small non profit, I just want to be utilized and taught and trained.  I am now opening my eyes, my heart to whatever may come and because I am who I am……My goal is within 3 months.

So, Universe, teach me and direct me and bring what I am trying to sow into my life in the direction of  my awareness while I continue to grow in every part of my life outside of my career.

BLACK

 

 

 

I have faith in myself.

I have faith in you, Universe

We can be a great team.

Let’s do this.

 

Mini

 

The Feeling of Indifference

The feeling of indifference….

Lately I have been “off”, or so I have been told.

 

Photo courtesy of : www.livelifehappy.com
Photo courtesy of : www.livelifehappy.com

How do you really explain the unexplainable ? I am becoming exhausted just trying.  It’s a constant struggle.

I have been different since my heart attack and I totally get it.  Part of it is the PTSD, part of it is the exhaustion from trying to make sense of all that goes on in my brain and part of it is trying to not allow myself to take on the problems of others as much as I use to.

So, with this post I am going to try my best to explain.  I am not sure if it is for the clarification of others or for myself to understand better.

Recently more people have mentioned my change.  A sampling of the things I have been told …. “you seem indifferent, spaced out, like you don’t care, less social, not as happy as you once were and my personal favorite- you’ve become a bit of an ass.

Ya, I am different now , It’s not that I don’t care.  But I care less now about trivial things that can be dealt with if someone really wants to fix their problem.  I care more about getting my life together.

DATING INSTRUCTOR

There are days I am just trying to get through the day because I can’t clear my head out, nights I do not sleep for the same reasons.  If you see me walking around like I am in my own world, there is a solid chance that is exactly what it is.  I am pre occupied with my thoughts, not all negative. Many are of what I appreciate each day and week.  For example, I can run again J

I can’t process thoughts or feelings well at all.  This frustrates so many people around me and gets me into situations that leave me looking like an ass or that I absolutely do not care about the feelings of others.  It causes me major lapses and errors in judgement.   It allows people to put me in a corner that I have a hard time getting out of.  So I just walk away and hide for a few days.  I figure this way I don’t have to repeatedly explain the “Why” and keep myself out of uncomfortable situations .   It is difficult to know you should be feeling something  and yet,  you can’t process it.  Good luck catching me feeling empathy, anger, sadness and lately even being as excitable as usual.  I just can’t and I don’t know when this will change.

I am becoming more into being alone and not being around people.  There are many reasons for this but the main one being I don’t risk upsetting, hurting or pissing someone off unintentionally.  I am doing this with a little more regularity and it is not intentional.

I hate using my heart attack as a reason but ultimately it is the reason I view everything differently now.

When my thoughts run rampant on any given night it can range from the good things of my day but more often than not they are about how lost I feel in my own world.  Loneliness, lack of satisfaction in my ability to find a new job, how to move forward in my life, my love life or lack thereof, who are my friends and who is taking advantage of me.  What I want for myself and how I need direction to get there.

I can’t be who I was.  I am a different man now.  I am adjusting to this new me.  Please be patient as I am a work in progress but deep inside I am still here.  I am indifferent, for now.

 

Mini

Heart Attack and PTSD- My Story.

Heart Attack and PTSD- one of the harder Heart Month Posts for me …..

The hardest admission of all of this for me….. I have Post Traumatic Stress. This affects me more than I have let on to those who already know.

Heart Attack- It is one of those internal medical injuries that can either take your life quickly or leave you alive to ponder why exactly you are here. You are not quite the same after. Your brain is going through all the reasons why this happened and in my case dealing with night terrors.

292e

According to a study funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health, 1 out of every 8 heart attack survivors suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This startling statistic can double the risk of having another heart attack and even death. Scary. Symptoms can include recurrent nightmares, flashbacks to the time of the attack, anxiety and avoidance of heart attack related topics and places. It’s primarily rooted in trauma.

This has been me the last 6 1/2 months. I have talked about a few things but for the most part until recently, I avoided talking about it to many people. Unfortunately, I have been in situations where I have had some explaining to do just so I didn’t appear like a heartless jerk or like I have completely lost my marbles.

I have had night terrors almost right from the start and although they are not as frequent, I still get them. I dream mainly about how I felt after waking from Cardiac Arrest. I vividly remember the faces of everyone in the room, the looks were mixed with intensity and relief. I remember the pain and how much it hurts to literally be shocked back to life. Oh my Gosh, the pain. So intense. Then the terror ends with darkness. I usually wake at this point, sweating, heart racing and frightened.

Photo Courtesy of http://www.presentermedia.com/
Photo Courtesy of http://www.presentermedia.com/

There is nothing more frightening for me than having to re live this over and over every couple nights. I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

It makes me afraid to fall asleep at night. Will I wake up or fall asleep forever once my eyes have closed and my breathing becomes shallow? Will I be taken into whatever there is after physical life? If I do go, will it hurt or will I go peacefully? Does it really matter? Fear of dying in my sleep in very real.

7 edit2

I am not ready to go and it is apparent that it was not my time in August. Before my Heart Attack, I never feared death. I do now only because I was close, well actually, technically I was dead for a brief couple minutes. Think about that……Scary.

PTSD doesn’t end there for me. My mind constantly flashes back to both of my heart events and I become numb, completely numb. I also have this issue with a lack of emotion. I have been essentially numb from experiencing any negative feelings. I can be happy, thankfully. I focus on that.

I cannot mourn, feel sadness or anger. Most days I am just in settled state of mind. I recently have felt slight annoyance and I know when my mind is frustrated. My brain physically hurts when I should be feeling something other than “happy”.

Do you know what it is like to hear that someone you care about has died and feel nothing, or someone tears you apart verbally and not be able to really react ? I do and it sucks. Those are just two examples i have dealt with since my Heart Attack.

My brain tells me when someone is doing something that is not acceptable to me but yet again, my anger or hurt stays locked behind the walls of my head. I cannot even explain how hard it is to not be able to react at all to things like these.

I have what I call my “non existent” days. Days when I am locked in a feeling of nothingness. Like I am walking through an empty dark hallway just trying to reach the doors at the end and walk out into the light and fresh air. No bad mood, not exactly happy either. Just there. If you see me walking around like a zombie, then you have witnessed me on one of those days. I am most likely ok, I just need to let it pass.

LEAVES

Friends, please know I have sought help and have been working with a therapist. I am not afraid to admit this. More people need to get over the stigma attached to seeing a Therapist and mental issues. Depression, anxiety, PTSD….all of those need to be dealt with and trust me, counselling has helped me immensely.

I don’t care what people’s thoughts are about me seeing a therapist. Truthfully, if more people sought professional help for their issues, their marriages, their stress, most things could be worked on and they could begin to heal.

I have been told by my therapist that at some point I will break emotionally and may battle depression. This of course, would not be my first brush with depression and anxiety, so I know it is another battle I can win. When I do break emotionally, it may not be pretty at all and as funny as this sounds, I anxiously await that day so that I can feel and empathize again.

I have been offered medications to work through this but have declined. I don’t want my mind medically altered by pills unless it gets to a point where I absolutely need it.

As I work to overcome this without being medicated all I ask is for support, nothing more. This is something I do believe I can overcome, I just do not know how long it will take. I am a bit of a determined guy and I won’t let this beat me down. Life is too good overall to allow this to take me away from being myself. I will fight the days that I don’t feel like myself because being “me” is actually quite awesome. I like me 🙂

Mini.

Cardiac Rehab. My Choice. My Recovery.

REHAB 033e

January 15, 2014.  The day I completed Cardiac Rehab.  Twelve weeks of it, sort of.  I had a couple set backs and it lasted 16 weeks.

Attending was one of the best choices I could have made in my recovery.

The first day I walked into the gym for rehab I stuck out like a sore thumb.  Here I was 36 years old in a room of men and women, mostly men who were 15- 20 years  older than me.  Once of these things was not like the others.  It was then that it hit me a little more but also made me realize i had a chance to change everything or allow it to remain the same and potentially have a much shorter life.

REHAB 077
Love these Nurses ! Lori and Megan

You will notice that with this post I have a picture of a few beautiful women.  The amazing women are the nurses at the Cardiac Wellness Centre at Talisman Centre.  Each of these ladies have had a large impact on my recovery.  They are some of the most caring, empathetic, funny, determined nurses I’ve ever met.

REHAB 074
Elizabeth, Megan, Cailin. Love these ladies, Always smiling !

 

 

Each session I attended I was greeted with a warm smile and a hearty hello before I was about to get poked, get blood pressure checked and held accountable to ensure I was taking my meds before they put me to work.

 

 

 

 

I also cannot forget the many volunteers I met during my time there.  Most were former Rehab patients who wanted to give back in any way they could.  Every single one of them were so pleasant and seemed genuinely happy to see me when I arrived.  I too am sad I cannot see them as much as I did.

REHAB 030

To explain an average session is easy.  I would do some sort of cardio workout for 45- 55 mins 3 hrs a week.  Somedays longer.  IN the beginning o f rehab I could not last more than 15 mins at a fairly easy pace on any piece of equiptment.  My body tired easily and my mind was frustrated.  These nurses were very encouraging and told me it would all come back but I had to be patient and listen to them and follow the advice given.  There were days that I left feeling defeated and others I felt on top of the world because of the progress I was making.  I had set backs and successes.  There were so many days where I did have to dig a little deeper to get stronger and where the nurses pushed me to work a little harder.  Not once did I want to give up but there were times when my body hated me.

REHAB 058E

Attending was a choice and not one I took lightly.  I had my leave of absence from work extended to ensure I could attend each session.  Getting better was my main priority and I would have given up anything in my personal life to be there.

REHAB 060

So, how did this benefit me ?  I went from not lasting more than 12 miutess of cardio at a light level to now being able to run solidly for an hour on a track or treadmill or the stationary bike at a level that challenges me and can be difficult. I lost 23 lbs and have gained more energy and feel better than I have in years.  I made some friends in rehab, most who were 15-20 years my senior and one who was 11 years my junior. I made friendships and gained admiration for my nurses and loved seeing them each time I was there.    I Was able to celebrate success with those around me and see them go from pain in their eyes to happiness as things got better and easier.

Since Rehab has completed I have struggled a little.  I miss the people, the experience and the fun, yes the fun.  One of my goals is to gain the time to be able to volunteer and help the Cardiac Wellness Institute in any way I can.  My promise is to share the word on how great thief program is and what a difference it can and will make.

REHAB 059
I hope to never see anyone I know attend, for I wish no one, anyone, will ever have to experience a Heart Attack to get their life in order and really focus on their fitness, health and well being.

 

Mini

Thankful Me. By Sarah

I would like to introduce a great blogger and fellow young Heart Attack Survivor- Sarah from http://heartattackat31.blogspot.ca/  Please take a moment to read her guest post and then go on over to her blog.  She is awesome and her story is amazing and heart warming.  She is a Survivor !

hearttat[1]

From Sarah….

Elizabeth Edwards once said, “You recognize a survivor when you see one. You recognize a fighter when you see one.” I can smell a survivor a mile away these days. Survivors have a sense of calm, mixed with the smell of adversity and perseverance. A survivor stands strong in the face of life’s little bumps in the road and scoffs at little trials and tribulations, because they know the road can be rougher. These survivors walk amongst us each day, carrying the weight of their challenge in an invisible backpack. How do I know this? I am a survivor.

My name is Sarah and I’m a 33 year-old widow maker heart attack survivor. Stop. I know what you’re thinking. Let me multiple choice the heck out of it for you. Did I…

a.)    have a history of heart disease in my family

b.)   have blood pressure and cholesterol problems

c.)    have  a weight problem

d.)   lead a sedentary life

e.)    all of the above?

The answer? None of these. In fact I was a 31 year-old half-marathon runner of average weight and no family history. I was in good health, both mind and body. But that all changed before I even knew what happened.

In January of 2012 I suffered from 2 heart attacks due to a 99% blockage in my mid-LAD, also known as the widow maker for its grueling statistics. I suffered serious damage to my heart, and even greater damage to my emotional health. I dealt with depression and a host of self-esteem related issues. As I worked to rebuild my life that had crumbled down around me, I took the time to re-examine my life and priorities. Want to learn more? Check out my blog at heartattackat31.blogspot.com.

blogger-image-1325465514[1]

As we embark on February, home of American Heart Month and Go Red for Women, I am reminded how fortunate I am. I am not a statistic, I am me. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I must go forth and live my life in the most grateful way possible, since I have been afforded another lease on life. This time I will appreciate it a little bit more. This time I walk as a survivor.

Heart Attack at Age 35- My Broken Heart Story.

February is Heart Month, with that being said- here is my story.

Heart Attack, I had a Heart Attack at age 35. 8 days prior to my 36th birthday. I have had and survived a Heart Attack on August 11th and Cardiac Arrest- August 15, 2013.

10% of Males under age 45 will have a heart attack according to stats here in North America. I am one of those 10%. Makes me somewhat unique right ?
August 11, 2013. I had a heart attack while playing Beach Dodgeball. 90% blockage in one artery and two 70% blockages. The Heart Attack, for me felt more like the flu than what people perceive a heart attack feels or looks like. The chest and arm pain followed later. It was nothing like Hollywood makes it out to be. Not so obvious, thank you Hollywood !

The game started, I ran to the line to grab a ball and then everything just went bad from there. I felt very ill and had cold sweats, nausea and I was shaky.

I went to the sideline and sat down, I was too uneasy to stand. I tried because I am stubborn. But had to sit back down. My friend brought me water and asked what I was feeling.

My heart after having a Heart Attack. August 11, 2013
My heart after having a Heart Attack. August 11, 2013

I shared the symptoms but said, I am ok, I will be fine, I am just sick. In my head I was slightly worried but I kind of kept my mouth shut because I am one of the most injury prone people out there. Two friends heard my symptoms and then said something I didn’t want to believe. They both at different times said I had the symptoms of a heart attack. I didn’t want to believe it and re iterated I was ok, just under the weather. I continued to sit there and watch while my friends played, occasionally standing up and throwing balls back onto the court as they flew by.

Me, being stubborn decided on the last game of the day, a fun game, to jump back in. I still felt like garbage, my breathing was very hard and my chest felt tight. This is something I did not tell anyone. I finished the game and actually dominated a brief part of it. My friends again shared their concern and i said I was fine to them. Inside I was worried . I didn’t want to look as weak as I felt.

Special thanks to my friends Sean  and Alanna  for without those two beautiful, amazing people I may not be here. I owe my life to you both. I love you guys immensly.

I will forever cherish them and their lovely voices telling me they thought I was having a heart attack while it was happening. Because of them, I became smart enough to go to the hospital. At the time I was stubborn and kept saying, no, I am fine, and refused an ambulance. I didn’t want to accept what they were saying, I didn’t want to believe it, I was scared to believe it. I am always the guy who seems to get injured or something goes wrong with. It’s seems to be my M.O. One I am not all that proud of.

Their voices rang in my head as I sat in my car. Over and over the words Heart Attack played in my head. It was then I made a choice to go to the hospital. Within an hour of arrival, it was confirmed, I indeed had a heart attack. I was told had I driven to my mom’s I may not have made it or if I had, there is a chance I may not have made it that day at all. The next 4 days I would not leave my bed.photo

 

I was in hospital a week total. I had a few select visitors because I was doing my best not to have the whole world know what had just happened. I did not want the attention I knew I would most likely receive. I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I had no reason to. I was trying to understand why and how it happened. I was scared. I had no pity party I merely needed to figure this out. My docs were bombarded with questions and still are to this day. I have become an information whore.

Four days later on August 15th I had surgery to place two stents into my arteries. Unfortunately only one was put in. I went into Cardiac Arrest during the surgery. My heart stopped and I was shocked back to life. I will say this. You know you are alive by the immense pain you feel after being shocked. If you want to feel pain, that’s one hell of a way to feel it. It hurt from head to toe and my body was tense for a day or two after. My first thoughts once I was alone that night didn’t have anything to do with me. It had to do with things not done, things that could have been left unsaid, then, something else happened. I became completely numb and have been that way since. This is something I can’t fully explain yet, so please don’t ask, I don’t have the honest answer here.

HEART 010
MY Heart after Stent Surgery- Huge Difference eh ?

Over the last 5 months I have been asked me why I seem a little off or different. Usually it’s those who did not know who have asked. Well, now you know why. I would apologize for not telling a few of you sooner, but that wasn’t exactly the most important thing on my mind. No apologies, it was my choice and I own it for my own reasons.

So that’s what happened. I am not going to sit here and say it totally awakened me because it didn’t. It just made many things way more real and serious for me. I have always tried to enjoy my life and have fun and this wasn’t one of those – oh my god I need to do THIS and THIS and THIS and live life crazily or stupidly or start moving quicker on a bucket list. I do not have nor believe in a bucket list, I do believe in dreaming big and acting upon those dreams.

What did having a heart attack do ? Most obvious is Heart muscle damage but mentally……It created more focus in my life than I think I have ever had. The heart attack may have been the best thing to have happened to me and that is the truth. HEART 018 During Cardiac Rehab and since my Heart Attack I have been so focused on my health and getting better. Friends, it has paid off big time. Down 24 lbs and feeling better than I have in years. I am only going to keep getting better and that is           promise.

Here are some things I do think about…..I am 36, single, unhappy in my career and some life choices, wishing so bad to successful, to stop feeling so alone, have a family, travel. Make a difference in the lives around me, make a difference in my life. Many times I feel very alone but would never show any of you that side of me. I am usually a happy guy and still am. I love that I have been given a new life. It is up to me what to do from here. To really live is a choice.

I know now that some of you may be asking how did it happen and that’s fine to ask but that is for my next post.

Please again, I do not want sympathy here. I hope this helps me and others. I merely need to tell this for me. I will speak about my recovery soon. Please be patient, this whole thing has purpose.

Over the course of Heart Month I may be doing a few things to talk about heart health and to do things for others to kinda give back, for I am thankful, so very thankful.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...