Dear Universe, I am just putting this out there….

In the months since my Heart Attack I have been consumed with making my life more than it is, more enlightened, more enriched and purely enjoyable.

Now, for the most part so much has gone right.  I have accomplished in some situations, more than I could have imagined.

RUNNING1

You see Universe, I come to you to address and put forth one area of my life that I have struggled with for quite some time. 

Yes, two parts of my life are not what I’d wish.  My absent love life and my career, however  today I wish to focus on the other and put faith in the world that combined with my own determination and skills will be accomplished and enrich my life. 

You see Universe, I have a job.  I have a job that I am not happy with. In fact as you are aware my career has been on a downhill slope since about 2009.  Some of it my own doing some of it were circumstances out of my control.

thoughts

 

Since my return to work I have been more than just unsatisfied and unfulfilled.  I have been frustrated I have dreaded even walking into the building.  I have felt things that I just cannot ignore.  I am tired of being somewhere that lacks any real people focus.  Both Client and Employee.

 

 

 I realize that I am better than I give myself credit for.

 

You see Universe, I desire more.  I have tried numerous ways to find new work.  I have tried to just embrace what I have so that I am not miserable everyday in hopes that will help in my job search.

You see Universe, I am never one to give up.  The job search is no different but in my job I am almost there for more reasons than can be explained in one letter.

You see Universe, I have tried everything but this.  I have yet to ask you for your help.  Your help to show me how to align my life that will welcome a career that I will enjoy even on the tough days.  A job where I feel like I am doing something more than just lining the pockets of the executives and owners.  A job where I feel valued as an asset.  A job where I can utilize the best of me and have desire to do my best to line those pockets while making a difference in my life as well as those I am surrounded by. A job that I am proud to announce that I do and not shudder at the thought of being asked “ What do you do ?” A job where I can grow and stay for a long time.

 

You see Universe, whether I work for a big corporation or a small non profit, I just want to be utilized and taught and trained.  I am now opening my eyes, my heart to whatever may come and because I am who I am……My goal is within 3 months.

So, Universe, teach me and direct me and bring what I am trying to sow into my life in the direction of  my awareness while I continue to grow in every part of my life outside of my career.

BLACK

 

 

 

I have faith in myself.

I have faith in you, Universe

We can be a great team.

Let’s do this.

 

Mini

 

I am in room full of people but many times I am lost….

So many posts I could have done tonight but I have chosen this one for a reason.

wedding3 935A

This past week I was in Veradero Cuba to Photograph a wedding.  The wedding of two friends I met through Reffing Hockey 3 1/2 years go.

This week could have gone in a couple directions and fortunately for me it went in the right direction.  But before I say how or why I must give a little back story.

Since my Heart Attack last year I have been in many different social situations.  Most I have felt a little out of place. No fault of my friends, I must clarify.

If I am to be honest here.  I have almost preferred to be alone than around a group of people.  I am not who I was and many times I have no idea how to portray who I am exactly now.  Do I even know who I am ?

In a room full of people, I have felt lost.  It is almost like for a time I forgot how to react or get involved in conversations. I forgot how to be social.  It’s not that people have secluded me.  It more like I have secluded myself a bit.

I have always been the guy to try and find a place to really “fit in”  My friends are a Cornucopia of different groups and I wouldn’t necessarily say I fit into any one certain group.  I have always kinda been this way.  I adapt to the situation or group I am with.  Usually with success.

Since my Heart Attack…..

Not so much.  Social anxiety, feeling like you are being watched when in fact you are not.  Strange, I know but these are my thoughts.

Now back to Cuba….

Beach

I knew a fair amount of people attending this wedding but it still could have been a lonely time for me.  They are family.  I am a friend there to do a job.  I am not even a close friend but a friend there…. to Photograph a Wedding.

What happened in Cuba is more than I could ask for.

Not even once did I feel alone, secluded or like an outsider.  I felt like a part of the group.  I was included in the activities such as the Jack and Jill party, a few dinners, pool time, late night Ocean swimming, dancing against my will ( Thanks Kailee and Riley !) I was joked with, laughed at and with.

You know people like you when they harass you a little.  Or a lot, haha

I could have been left to my own devices and yes there were times I was on my own but by choice really.  People invited me to hang out to let loose and have fun.

I was like I belonged from the start.  No awkwardness. No having to try to hard to be liked.

This resulted in great conversations and meeting new people and a few wobbly pops and a lot of laughing.

What did I learn?

Just Be Me.

 

Me- A Clutz !
Me- A Clutz !

People can like me for whoever I am now, even if I am not 100 % unsure of exactly who that is.

Dance against your will my friends, you may just tear up the floor and genuinely have a moment of joy unexpectedly.

Mini

Pushing Limits and Reaching Goals.

I had originally planned for a different post tonight but my workout today got me thinking…..

WORKOUT
I am not a fan of selfies lol !

7 months ago when I did my first day of Cardiac Rehab I could barely make it 12 mins on a treadmill.  That wasn’t even full out running. Humbling for a former runner after a Heart Attack.

Today I met one big I goal I have had since rehab….proving hard work pays off.

The goal was not met without its challenges. It did not happen quickly or overnight.   I had to work my ass off.  I had to push when I was tired.  I had to find my motivation and kick my own ass some days.  This was 8 months in the making.

The last few workouts before today   I just haven’t felt “it”.  I had cramps, knee pain and just couldn’t seem to push myself at all.  I would finish my treadmill workouts, leave, then feel like I could go even  longer but by then I was already leaving the gym.

Soooooo   Close !
Soooooo Close !

Two days ago I was just seconds shy of doing two miles at a pace of 15 min/ mile.  I knew I could get past that but what would it take ?

I knew I had to actually be confident in myself and put my fear aside.  The fear after having a heart attack is pushing too much and putting yourself in a bad position. Trust me, I have done this once- NOT FUN.   I am a determined and stubborn SOB sometimes.  This is a blessing and a curse.

SUIT UP

Keep in mind here that everything I am doing is for me.  It’s not about proving anything to anyone.  If someone gets inspired by my actions- Great.  That’s not what I do this for.  I do this for a healthy life.  I do this so I do not have another Heart Attack.

The last two days I kept saying in my head “  You can do this, you can get under 15 min per mile.”  Corny ?  Maybe.   It was my way of encouraging myself rather than allowing my mind to tell me I was tired.

 

Tonight right after my 5 min warm up, I was ready.  I felt great.    I had to for me, no one else, just me.  And I did.  I killed it tonight.

2MILES

I made myself proud and the fear was gone.

The final 5 or so minutes I kept saying out loud “You’ve got this”  over and over.

My legs were tired but the rest of me felt great.  “You’ve got this, You’ve got this”  I didn’t care if people heard me.  I wanted to do 2 miles in under 30 minutes.

I did it !!  I blew my goal out of the water.  I did it and it wasn’t easy but it was worth it.  I ran 2.03 miles in 26:34.  Next Goal:  3.1 miles in 32 minutes.

Watch. Me. Do. it.

I am training for a 10K race in June but more importantly, I am training for me, training for a long life

NEXT GOAL - 32 MINS- 3.1 MILES.
NEXT GOAL – 32 MINS- 3.1 MILES.

 

Mini- Never Give Up.

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