If Facebook life is perfect, our real ones are too right ? Part 1

Given how my day went today it is fitting that I wrote this post a few days ago and now have 2 parts to share with you all.    

Facebook fools us all into thinking others lives are perfect, some people even think my life is always smiles and fun times…..Let’s open that door  and start with……

 

The story behind my most liked Facebook photo ever.  

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When you are not sure where to start, start with what makes the most sense.  Authenticity.

Marathon Weekend 2016 in Disneyworld.  My greatest and most successful moment in my Heart Attack Recovery, finishing the Goofy Challenge.

Great moment, right ?  I will agree, in fact over 200 likes, 2400 views on blog Facebook page, a few shares and many positive encouraging comments.

Yay, yay for me right ?  Sure.  Let’s go with that.  I made it look easy of according to some.

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This is where most of us make a mistake on social media and I am not immune to it.

 Now, I have definitely shared highs and lows and some not so great life posts but most of my Facebook shows more of the great life moments than the struggles.  Authenticity of life is thrown out the window because who wants to show how they are struggling behind the photos?.

Comparison, it’s what we do but we shouldn’t.  I had one message from someone who, while congratulating me also told me seeing my photo collage made them feel inadequate because they could never do what I did.  My response, you can do it but I promise you it is not easy.

Let’s look behind the photo.  Rewind a bit shall we ?

January 2013, Walt Disney World.  I attempted my first Goofy Challenge.  I failed.  I got pulled at mile 22, put on a bus and taken to the finish where they gave me 2 medals which to this day, I still think I did not deserve.  Those medals stay in a box.  My first thought was embarrassment, shame.  I had spent time on social media sharing my excitement for the event upcoming.  How the hell do I now tell people that I was pulled from the course, not fast enough.?  I wanted to be alone, I was ashamed, hurt, crying, angry.  After some time, I shared my failure on Facebook.  That was so fucking hard, so Hard that I turned my phone off right after to avoid any ridicule or mean comments.  None came.  People were encouraging and supportive.  It took a long time to get over that failure.  2013 became one of my worst years overall.  Life sucks a lot sometimes.

 

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My heart after having a Heart Attack. August 11, 2013
My heart after having a Heart Attack. August 11, 2013

Continuing on.  Aug 2013, Hear Attack.  Starting over physically.  I knew exactly what goal I needed to set but I also knew I could not rush it.  So behind my successful photo in 2016, here is what you didn’t see.

  • My first time back on a treadmill where I couldn’t even walk for 8 minutes and had to accept that defeat.
  • The moments when I walked away from those who said, you shouldn’t do this, maybe you just can’t anymore.
  • Injuries that I never spoke of. Spraining my knee twice, slipped discs in my lower back and neck, angina attacks ( thankfully only a couple.)
  • My feet and legs that bruise and swell from running, every single time.
  • The days I awoke in so much physical pain I struggled to just get through the day knowing it would eventually go away.
  • The training miles. When you commit to a marathon you commit a lot of time, time you could spend with family and friends.
  • Sleepless nights where I would go to the gym just to get out of my head.
  • Did I mention daily pain?
  • The training runs that I had to stop because I was vomiting profusely
  • The moments of doubt, so many times I thought “maybe you shouldn’t go for this.” I lacked confidence.
  • The moments of reaching out to people who rejected my pleas to talk, some of whom I no longer speak with.
  • The moments when you are trying to share but others make it about them or compare.
  • Friendships that have suffered because I made myself so focused that I failed at maintaining some important relationships. Some may never recover.
  • The times I stopped training to help others but received not so much as a thank you which made me question my importance to others. Who thought I was worth their time, love.
  • Wanting it so bad, the “win” that I got into some stupid situations that could have cause more injury harm than success.
  • The many times I questioned my own self worth.

 

Soooooo   Close !
Soooooo Close !

 

 

 

 

 

 

WORKOUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could on and on.  The point here is this.  Behind most every smiling photo or “doctored” Facebook status is someone’s pain, someone’s sacrifice, someone who is looking for a win so bad so that they don’t feel like the loser they think they are. 

Most importantly behind the success at the end may just be someone looking for authentic connection, a talk, a hug, someone just to let that person be themselves so that they can pull that mask off, be vulnerable.

Comparing ourselves to others social media life is unfair because it is rare that you will see the authenticity or vulnerability of someone and usually when we do, we cower and say nothing or think, gee that person is just looking for attention.

Comparison is something I see a lot of in the support groups I am a part of and daily on my personal FB page and it can be so sad to see how people beat themselves up outside of Facebook because thier life is not like someone else who posted a great experience or photo.

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One of my goals is to be way more authentic in the coming 6 months.  My one promise is this…..  I will not “out” anyone but I will share stories.  I will talk about what is actually happening and share the wins and the challenges because I believe now that there are no failures, just challenges.

 

 

I have failed or faced challenges leading up to finally completing my first Marathon and as of this writing, I have been challenged once again by having my first Did Not Finish on my second Marathon due to injury. I shared this on social media and although I got support, I know there are many who would not.  Being that vulnerable was scary but worth it.  Sometimes you just have to open up but also listen to those who may need you to step up for them.

Part 2 coming in a couple days.

 

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In absence there is re focus…sort of.

I want to start this post by saying thank you to the reader whom renewed my blog this year.  I had lost track of the date and missed my email reminders.  Thank you so much.  That renewal that showed me that I must have done something right or inspired someone enough to do that act of kindness.  One person just made a simple difference in my life and for that reason I know I need to start posting what I have written but not shared.

I have so many things I need to talk about, to share and get off my chest.  I needed time to sort through my mangled brain. 

Being Vulnerable is scary for anyone, especially someone like me who always finds a way to be strong in a crowd.

I’ll start with this.  I stopped posting on my blog not because I dislike it, I stopped because I went from the highest of highs in January to a low that I just could not comprehend nor understand that threw me into a tailspin of a dark tunnel that had me again re evaluate how I want to live.

December to now has been a lot of change.  I always tell people if you are not happy with something, do something about it.  So, for me, it is time to re start living with a purpose.  I know I cannot change the world but I can change my life and maybe just maybe it will change someone or inspire them into something more.

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Over the coming weeks and months I am going to get some serious issues out of my head.  It has been know secret that I struggle with emotion, that I have been seeing a Therapist off and on and spending more time alone than someone like me should.

These last few months have been what I call a “hidden” struggle.  Struggle in the sense that I am openly identifying things about myself that I have to accept while working on solutions to overcome or at least deal better with them.  I need to focus on the things I have done well again and stop focusing on the things that have had a negative impact that dog my head daily.

I have no magic fix for my issues nor anyone else’s, I do have ideas and plans that I will outline as I move along.  No one can fix anything in one day, it may take months or even years, it may take it’s tolls on relationships I currently have but also create new ones.  I have read so much and heard so much about how who you surround yourself with becomes you, an element of your successes and failures.

I am not a failure, I am merely one person lost with many looking to define themselves, be successful, nurture my happiness and needs. 

Life on purpose is my goal.  No more wandering aimlessly with only hope.  It takes small steps.  I need to get better for me and those who believe in me.  I need to believe in me again, like those who tell me they do.

Time to be uncomfortable yet again.  Bring it.

 

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