When thinking about the last 2 plus years since my heart attack, I cannot help but run through the ways I have changed.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Ya, it is totally a cliché, a book has been written and many people will say they don’t sweat the small stuff. I don’t anymore. It is funny to think of the things that use to get to me or that I would worry about. Now, most times my first thought is, “ Is this worth worrying about or spending my time and energy on.” Stress, my friends is something I try so hard to avoid. The downside to this is that I become impatient with those who try to make small issues bigger than they are. It does piss people off or I come across as not really caring. In some situations, I really don’t. Nowadays, there are things that I do procrastinate on because things can wait and it is not worth the stress and let’s be honest here, I try to have more fun.
- I prefer to be alone.
Ask anyone who’s known me a long time and they will tell you I always had to be around other people. This use to be how I got my energy, my zest for life. Mini loves people ! Post Heart Attack, I find in many social situations I get anxious or very awkward and have to leave early. This is why I never car pool with anyone. I need my escape. I spend more hours alone than I think most realize. I use this time to read more, work on many of my projects and try to sort through my head. I find it easier to be alone than to be in large groups. I know I have become socially awkward and I am ok with that. Being alone allows me to not put myself in an awkward situation or worry about upsetting someone.
- I have a new normal.
This took me a long time to accept. I am still figuring out what certain limits are but I accept I am not who I was. I like who I am now. So who am I now ? That’s for another post. With my new normal, I have had to find new ways to do things I enjoy, accept restrictions and learn which lines I can push. Example, I will never run as fast as I use to but I can run. I may accept the new normal but I will NEVER give up trying to succeed at what I can.
- I dream bigger.
I have many big dreams. Most are of the humanitarian and Heart Disease awareness type. I have so many dreams I hope to share and work towards in 2016. Some are way out in left field but I would rather put those dreams out there and get laughed at than keep them to myself like I use to. There is one dream I once had that I never made my move on now someone else made it famous. Lesson Learned. So, I may never become famous for a dream I pursue but I really hope one of them leads to creating the life I desire.
- I actually like myself.
Most of this could be in another post but here is a start. From 2010 on I actually had a strong dislike of who I was and I had almost zero confidence in myself. I got good at putting on a show.
I like me J I am awkward, I am social, I am fun, I am smart in different ways, I am a good looking guy, creative, determined, flirty, playful, goofy. I am uniquely and imperfectly ,me. I am not for everyone but I do like who I am. This doesn’t mean I don’t have some insecurities but I am more confident than I have ever been.
- Experiences instead of Things.
I have always had a hard time buying things for myself. Even when I bought my first DSLR Camera I was anxious. Over the last 2 years I have focused more on spending my money and time on experiences, dinners with friends, coffees. My time is valuable. I would prefer memories with my friends and family than something disposable. It may be morbid but I want to think that when my time comes and I am 6 feet under that I leave those I care about with good, fun and maybe slightly wild memories of “Mini.” No one will remember how many things I owned. After my Heart Attack I questioned how people would remember me.
- Now I lay me down to sleep.
It is no secret that my sleeping patterns are messed. Sometimes I go more than 24 hours without sleep, sometimes I nap an hour here and there just to function. I have no idea how I function most days to be honest. The thought of not waking up consumes my brain before bed almost nightly. I want so bad not to think this way but living with heart disease I am aware of what could happen. PTSD is a bitch and that is one way it gets me. Every night I go to bed wondering if the day I had was a good one, did I do something positive? Did I make at least one person smile ? Did I smile ? Did I try to make a difference in this world ?
If I ever should die and not awake when the sun rises, I just hope the day before was a good one.
- I want Love but I am Guarded.
It is no secret that I have been single for a long time. No girlfriend in almost 5 years, yep, you read that right, 5 years. I have dated but can’t seem to keep anyone interested long enough, combine that with the fact I keep myself busy. Just like most everyone, I have been hurt before but that is NOT why I am guarded. I am guarded because I want simply to be accepted for me but sharing my health issues has scared some females away. Can’t blame them because there are always things we as people can and cannot live with when it comes to a partner. I am an amazing man as soon as someone can see beyond both mine and their imperfections. I know I need to be a little more open with heart but sometimes it is so damn hard.
- Random Acts of Kindness.
I give more than most people realize. I am not one to brag nor share every little Random Act of Kindness I do because I feel that defeats the purpose. One per week, I do something. Whether it is buying a coffee for someone, paying for their gas, leaving a random note or simply giving a homeless person a $10 or $20 bill. I do something. I want to feel like I have made a difference, even if for only a moment.
- I care but it sometimes doesn’t come out that way and it sucks.
If you have read this far, then you now get a HUGE TRUTH. I say I Love You more than I ever did before and tell people I care as often as I can. So what is the problem? I have been told what I say doesn’t seem portrayed that way. I have a hard time comprehending this. For example: There was a woman I liked, I tried to show her but even she said she was not sure, that it didn’t seem that way. I tried so hard but I just couldn’t get what I was actually feeling outward by action or expression I guess.
I have PTSD, I struggle with understanding emotion and even portraying certain emotion. If you are emotional in front of me, like crying or upset, my brain is trying to empathize and understand but I just can’t ever seem to figure it out. It makes me uncomfortable in the situation and I am trying to think of a way out of that moment. It’s not that I do not care, it is that I just can’t comprehend why you are upset or even what I am suppose to do. It is not easy to live with and it keeps me up at night. I use to be a very empathetic and understanding human and I kinda miss that guy.
So, if you and I are in a situation like above and my face goes red or I slowly distance myself from you or I constantly look away…… please know I care, I just don’t know what to do, guide me or let me escape.