MAY 11, 2014. I made my return to playing Beach Dodgeball. To say I was nervous in the days leading up to this would be a huge understatement.
Since my Heart Attack and more so, my Cardiac Arrest I have been struggling with PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This has not been easy.
I desperately want to feel again. By feel I mean I need to break, cry, get mad…something, anything that shows I still have emotion. I am exhausted by comments from people about me being or acting differently. I can’t explain it in a way that anyone would understand. I am just not quite who I was before.
Anyway….So returning to the “Beach”. This is the second time I have been there since my heart attack. The first where I was going to play for the first time since. The heart attack happened while playing last year on August 11, 2013.
I could not get that fact out of my mind in the days leading up. Now, although physically I have challenged myself more than Dodgeball could do to my heart, it still sat in my head. I was scared about reliving the moment. Would it happen again ? Would I break down and cry ? Wold I get the break I feel I so desperately need to fully heal ?
I got my answer quickly. I deliberately walked over to where it happened and felt absolutely nothing. Not upset, not mad, not fear…nothing.
Yes I did think about the last time I played and re played the entire day in my head. Still unbelievable for me. I felt no emotion about being there at all, just memories, some a little foggy as I wasn’t in the right mind when the heart attack happened. I am still not in the right mind to this day.
I will say this. It did feel good to play and to know I can still play. I am definitely not the same Dodgeball player I was before but I am trying to get better.
I love the fact that my dodgeball friends have been so supportive. I do know that when I saw Sean and Alanna there I smiled for I will always be thankful for them two people, probably more than they know. I cannot tell them thank you enough.
The day ended as most do at Dodgeball and I was there another hour after as a games coordinator enjoying the moment. A moment that may have never happened if I had just given up and let fear take over.
I always wonder now how many more years I can play. I am getting older but the game is still fun and yes, the pain is worth it.
Every week on Sunday in spring and summer I will be back at “the beach”. I still have hope I will eventually feel something. For now I will continue to live the moments, have fun and keep kicking ass at getting better.
I wish to feel if only for a moment. For now, I will be patient until that time comes. I am still pretty awesome.