If Facebook life is perfect, our real ones are too right ? Part 2

Sadly, everyday I spend way more time on social media than I probably should however, I also spend a ton of time on phone calls, texts and sometimes when time permits….coffee with friends.

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey. And you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life rely begins.”

– Bob Moawad

 I love this quote.  I love it because, I get it finally.  I am almost there, to the point of really ensuring my life is my own.  The scars and all.

In my previous post I shared the story behind my most liked photo, to kinda show how imperfect that photo is, even though I was proud of the end result.

Today, I want to discuss how I compare myself to others.  This is where Social Media makes us all think we are not good enough. What you read going forward it also why I need a break from Facebook.

BLOG 4
People on Beautiful Vacations…compare, why can’t I have a trip that looks that much fun ?

 

Facebook and 3 am.

 Here is yet another night, 3:00 am, I am bored and no longer interested in editing photos.  What is Facebook land up to ?  Let us take a look.

Oh man, “he” is really kicking ass at the gym, I wish I could have abs like him, hell I’d even settle for toned arms, too bad my strength is only cardio.

Haha, look at how cute their little human is, too cute for words.  Mom and Dad look so happy as newer parents.  Hmm, am I really getting to old to have kids?  Geez I will be 39 soon.  Of course, I have to actually date to be able to make a tiny human of my own.  I love kids, meh, maybe one day but I would love to have a child look at me with eyes full of love.  OK, anyway…

Oh wow, she is looking stunning.  Love that smile.  Maybe, no, can’t ask her out, far from her type.

BLOG 3
Oh, to have someone to hold like this ….Maybe.

Look at that photographer !!I love this persons work, their photography is something I am just amazed by, I need to learn how to take shots like that but just don’t have time.  Seriously, wow, I just spent an hour looking through their portfolio, mine is good but definitely not to the talent level of him/her.

Scroll, scroll, scroll…… Looks like some people did some fun stuff today.  I am kinda boring.  I edited, I read, napped like a cat again, enjoyed a little sunshine but stayed in Calgary.  Sometimes a camping invite or hike would be nice.  Maybe I should be the one inviting.

I really should call  him/ her.  Meh, they’d be too busy with their family to hang out.  The joys of being a single person when all your friends have young families or new boyfriends/ girlfriends.

I hate being so damn busy, but….ugh, more free time would be just nice to try a few of these things that he is doing.

Oh look, she said I am an awesome guy, inspiration.  Can’t see why she’d say this.  I am just me, always have been, no one special, just someone who wants to see others smile, just a guy always trying to be better.  Just Me.

BLOG 1
Just me, always finding ways to smile.

 

Why do we do this ?  Why do we compare? 

OK, so ya, those are thoughts I have had when looking at Facebook.  Other things that happen at 3 am.  Let’s just say it is a lonely hour,  In fact it is when I feel most alone.  No one to call, no one to go home to, just me.   It is the time when I  am jealous of those who have someone to sleep beside.

 So when I look on Social Media,  I begin to question my self worth, my level of exciting and my mind drives forward thinking of ways to make my life exciting again, in a sense so others may notice.  I think I am boring, I don’t go out much, I get more exhausted than I show, I cat nap and get social anxiety.

My goal going forward is not to compare my life to those around me.  It won’t be easy.  Just like those around me, I know others compare themselves to me and think my life is always happy.  Now, to be clear, overall I am happy but I am not living my life for me in the way I want.

BLOG 2

I have said to others who have come to me upset or falling into bad habits, that if you don’t like it, change it.  Time to take my own advice.

I am ok with being imperfect.  What I am not ok with is not living my life with passion and desire and rather than doing something about it, I sit here, compare and think I am just not good enough, smart  enough, creative enough or talented enough.

 Next time you are online and comparing your life to others, just remember someone is comparing their life to yours.

 

I would love to hear your stories of comparison.  Will you set a goal like me to stop it ? 

 

Mini

 

 

 

10 ways a Heart Attack at age 35 changed me.

When thinking about the last 2 plus years since my heart attack, I cannot help but run through the ways I have changed.

My heart after having a Heart Attack. August 11, 2013
My heart after having a Heart Attack. August 11, 2013
  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Ya, it is totally a cliché, a book has been written and many people will say they don’t sweat the small stuff.  I don’t anymore.  It is funny to think of the things that use to get to me or that I would worry about.  Now, most times my first thought is,  “ Is this worth worrying about or spending my time and energy on.”  Stress, my friends is something I try so hard to avoid.  The downside to this is that I become impatient with those who try to make small issues bigger than they are.  It does piss people off or I come across as not really caring.  In some situations, I really don’t.  Nowadays, there are things that I do procrastinate on because things can wait and it is not worth the stress and let’s be honest here, I try to have more fun.

 

  1. I prefer to be alone.

Ask anyone who’s known me a long time and they will tell you I always had to be around other people.  This use to be how I got my energy, my zest for life. Mini loves people !  Post Heart Attack, I find in many social situations I get anxious or very awkward and have to leave early.  This is why I never car pool with anyone.  I need my escape.  I spend more hours alone than I think most realize.  I use this time to read more, work on many of my projects and try to sort through my head.  I find it easier to be alone than to be in large groups.  I know I have become socially awkward and I am ok with that.  Being alone allows me to not put myself in an awkward situation or worry about upsetting someone.

 

  1. I have a new normal.

This took me a long time to accept.  I am still figuring out what certain limits are but I accept I am not who I was.  I like who I am now.  So who am I now ?  That’s for another post.  With my new normal, I have had to find new ways to do things I enjoy, accept restrictions and learn which lines I can push. Example, I will never run as fast as I use to but I can run.  I may accept the new normal but I will NEVER give up trying to succeed at what I can.

 

  1. I dream bigger.

I have many big dreams.  Most are of the humanitarian and Heart Disease awareness type.  I have so many dreams I hope to share and work towards in 2016.  Some are way out in left field but I would rather put those dreams out there and get laughed at than keep them to myself like I use to.   There is one dream I once had that I never made my move on now someone else made it famous.  Lesson Learned. So, I may never become famous for a dream I pursue but I really hope one of them leads to creating the life I desire.

 

  1. I actually like myself.

Most of this could be in another post but here is a start.  From 2010 on I actually had a strong dislike of who I was and I had almost zero confidence in myself.  I got good at putting on a show.

I like me J   I am awkward, I am social, I am fun,  I am smart in different ways, I am a good looking guy, creative, determined, flirty, playful, goofy.  I am uniquely and imperfectly ,me.  I am not for everyone but I do like who I am.  This doesn’t mean I don’t have some insecurities but I am more confident than I have ever been.

photo

  1. Experiences instead of Things.

I have always had a hard time buying things for myself.  Even when I bought my first DSLR Camera I was anxious.  Over the last 2 years  I have focused more on spending my money and time on experiences, dinners with friends, coffees.  My time is valuable.  I would prefer memories with my friends and family than something disposable.  It may be morbid but I want to think that when my time comes and I am 6 feet under that I leave those I care about with good, fun and maybe slightly wild memories of “Mini.”  No one will remember how many things I owned.  After my Heart Attack I questioned how people would remember me.

 

  1. Now I lay me down to sleep.

It is no secret that my sleeping patterns are messed.  Sometimes I go more than 24 hours without sleep, sometimes I nap an hour here and there just to function.  I have no idea how I function most days to be honest.  The thought of not waking up consumes my brain before bed almost  nightly.  I want so bad not to think this way but living with heart disease I am aware of what could happen.  PTSD is a bitch and that is one way it gets me.  Every night I go to bed wondering if the day I had was a good one, did I do something positive?  Did I make at least one person smile ?  Did I smile ?  Did I try to make a difference in this world ?

If I ever should die and not awake when the sun rises, I just hope the day before was a good one.

 

  1. I want Love but I am Guarded.

It is no secret that I have been single for a long time.  No girlfriend in almost 5 years, yep, you read that right, 5 years.  I have dated but can’t seem to keep anyone interested long enough, combine that with the fact I keep myself busy.  Just like most everyone, I have been hurt before but that is NOT why I am guarded.  I am guarded because I want simply to be accepted for me but sharing my health issues has scared some females away.  Can’t blame them because there are always things we as people can and cannot live with when it comes to a partner.  I am an amazing man as soon as someone can see beyond both mine and their imperfections.  I know I need to be a little more open with heart but sometimes it is so damn hard.

 

  1. Random Acts of Kindness.

I give more than most people realize.  I am not one to brag nor share every little Random Act of Kindness I do because I feel that defeats the purpose.  One per week, I do something.  Whether it is buying a coffee for someone, paying for their gas, leaving a random note or simply giving a homeless person a $10 or $20 bill.  I do something.  I want to feel like I have made a difference, even if for only a moment.

 

  1. I care but it sometimes doesn’t come out that way and it sucks.

If you have read this far, then you now get  a HUGE TRUTH.  I say I Love You more than I ever did before and tell people I care as often as I can.  So what is the problem?  I have been told what I say doesn’t seem portrayed that way.  I have a hard time comprehending this.  For example:  There was a woman I liked, I tried to show her but even she said she was not sure, that it didn’t seem that way.  I tried so hard but I just couldn’t get what I was actually feeling outward by action or expression I guess.

I have PTSD, I struggle with understanding emotion and even portraying  certain emotion.  If you are emotional in front of me, like crying or upset, my brain is trying to empathize and understand but I just can’t ever seem to figure it out.  It makes me uncomfortable in the situation and I am trying to think of a way out of that moment.  It’s not that I do not care, it is that I just can’t comprehend why you are upset or even what I am suppose to do.  It is not easy to live with and it keeps me up at night.  I use to be a very empathetic and understanding human and I kinda miss that guy.

So, if you and I are in a situation like above and my face goes red or I slowly distance myself from you or I constantly look away…… please know I care, I just don’t know what to do, guide me or let me escape.

Dear Universe. The Love Edition.

 

Universe, I am tired of the Friend Zone and being stuck there.

So. Damn. Sick. Of. it. IMG_2913   So, here it goes, are you ready ? 

Help Me Please.

4 and a half years single.  Yes, that’s correct.  That is the amount of time since I last seriously dated someone.  My last actual relationship definitely de railed me for far too long because I let it.  I am beyond that and have been for a while now.

For the first couple years after it ended I struggled with my own lack of confidence in myself and wondering if I could actually find someone who just wouldn’t give up when life went sideways?

The last couple years it was about my own healing my heart after my heart attack both physically and emotionally.  I am always healing and progressing from that.

I am as ready now as I feel I can be.  Waiting for the “right” moment may mean one waits forever. There is never the right time, nor the right moment so if I keep waiting until “I’m ready” then I may never be ready.  There is no perfect moment my friends.

I want love as much as anyone.  It is the one area of my life that I am really starting to notice the void.   I am actually starting to feel what lonely is.

You see, Universe.  Today I come to you with my Love life.  I am ready.

JULY WEDDING 838

You see Universe, I have tried dating and have not succeeded much at all. In some cases it was not the fault of the women with I spent time with.  Dating today is far different than the past. I struggle to adapt.

Universe, If I am to be honest, I have not really cared about dating or finding a girlfriend for a very long time.  That, has changed.

You see Universe, I get shy or as you know, I have trouble showing how I feel even though I do mean what I say. The struggle here is my worst enemy.

You see Universe, I don’t make my “move”, rather I say I am being patient or I make up an excuse for my lack of taking that chance.  I get confused easily by the signs I may or may not be getting from the fairer sex.

You see Universe, the most common question I get after a date is:

“Did you kiss her ?” My answer is always no.  This needs to change.

You see Universe, just once please give me the courage to kiss the girl and stop making excuses as to why it didn’t happen.

You see Universe, I ask you to prepare whomever may be someone special to me to be able to handle me.  I am not easy to love, at least in my mind.

You see Universe, I have not been confident with women or in myself since 2011.  I am now confident in myself but struggle with becoming more than friends.

You see Universe, I ask you to prepare whomever may be someone special to me to be able to handle me.  I am not easy to love, at least in my mind.


ME:

Universe, I need to you open my heart, help me to be open to love.

PICBLOG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Universe, please remove the fear inside.

Universe, help me to not want to run away just when I start to become close with someone.

Universe, I want to be comfortable enough to be myself around her and not who I think I have to be to capture her attention.  I am awesome in my own unique way and worth it.

Universe, help me to own my past, to be free to know that anyone who is not ok with my past health issues is not someone who I need to spend time on.

Universe, help me to not be scared to talk about it. A woman must know for it is only fair to her even if I get hurt in the end and she walks away.  I do not want to waste any woman’s time.

Universe, help me to never not be me because that is I need to love in order for someone to really love me.

Universe, help me to really realize I deserve to be loved, that I someone will see beyond me being just a friend and the nice guy.

Universe, allow me to be free to risk my heart and not be afraid to have it broken again.  In love, I have to accept that risk is always there but the upside to that risk is that there could be a lifetime love awaiting me.

Universe, help me to adapt to this new world of dating.

Universe, I am a traditional man, one who stills believes in romance and  little things.  This is how I was raised.  Help me to never lose sight of that because at times, I have in the past, thought that stuff didn’t matter anymore.

Universe, In the last 2 years I have really met “Me” and I like me, a lot.  I want someone to see that in it’s true Genuine form.

Universe, I am a fun, playful, silly, romantic, serious when I need to be and a very hopeful man.  A man who is in it for real, for the long haul.  I understand this may take some emotional endurance and time.

Universe, I know love is not all puppy dogs and rainbows, I know it takes work.  Always remind me of this. Always.

Universe, allow me to be accepting of her and all that she comes with as no one is perfect and we all have “something” or some baggage..  Help me to fall in love with her imperfections, quirks, dreams and  not just the things that may be perfect, charming, sweet, fun, endearing or great about her.  She is more than the perceived perfections.

Universe help me to not give up when a relationship challenge arises for that is when things really matter.

Universe, help me to learn to free up my time to make time for her.  Help me to want to be less busy and stop avoiding what I consider the emptiness of alone time, for I know, that is when I feel the most lonely.  I don’t want to be busy but I also don’t want to feel lonely anymore.

Universe, as a part of hoping to find someone special please help me keep the drive in my own passions for passion in one thing can lead to passion beyond.

Universe, most of all, open my heart to the possibilities that surround me and give me the emotional endurance to know it may take many dates with many women to find my perfectly, imperfect woman.

HER:

Universe, when it comes to the her, I ask for a little but ultimately just want someone who, when with her, we compliment, encourage, grow, love and challenge each other.  A woman who just keeps being herself.

HANDS

Universe I hope she is perfectly imperfect, independant,  confident and her own woman.

Universe, I want to her to have patience, especially because she will need that quality to date me.

Universe, I want her to be able to laugh at herself and be ok with laughing at me because, I am a goof and very clumsy.

Universe, I want her to be active in any manner that is enjoyable for her.  I am active and hope we can support each other in this area.

Universe, I want her to have her own interests as well as some we can share together and grow with.  I don’t just want her to like what I like because she likes me and vice versa.

Universe, open her heart to adventure, quiet nights in, cuddling, inside jokes.

Universe, I want her to be comfortable enough to be herself with me and not who she thinks she needs to be to capture my attention.

Universe I want to her know love and relationships take work and that she won’t give up when life challenges or upsets us.  I really need someone who won’t just walk away when things aren’t perfect or romantic comedy like.

Universe, you know I am done with the previous statement except to say I need someone who can handle the good and the tough.

In Conclusion:

Universe, I believe in love, I believe in you and I believe “my girl” is out there.  Believe in me.

Universe, should it be that I am not to meet someone and be a single man, that is something in which I will understand and always be happy with my life.

Please guide me in the direction for Love in whatever form that may be for the life I am to have.

 

Mini

Story Time- The Ctrain Girl

Sometimes I have the funniest things happen and they can be so random and funny……I shared this story on my personal Facebook page in January of this year.

Here in Calgary, I work downtown.  I must take the Ctrain ( light rail transit) into work and home.  There are so many things that can happen in a 12 min ride and sometimes it happens to me.

RANDOM DAY 056

The Story…..

It was shortly after 4:00 pm, I was on my way home and slid my small frame into a very packed and squished Ctrain.  So packed that you were rubbing various body parts onto others.

The Ctrain stopped quickly and in front of me was cute young lady.  As it stopped our positions essentially placed me right up against her, her body pressed into mine and into the side of the train.

This could be awkward right ?

I looked at her and smiled as we were inches from each others faces and said         ” Normally when I am this close to a woman, I have at least bought her dinner.”  Her reply without pause was ” That wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”  ( insert metal YES here !)

Umm… what ?  I was trying to make the situation light then she makes that comment and the second she was done, my brain went to mush.

We chatted a bit, laughed about the situation then came my stop.  As I left I said ” Nice to meet you and did something NO MAN should ever do……

I gave her a High 5 and walked away.

This, my friends may explain why I can’t get a date.

My friends had a heyday on facebook with comments.  I am glad I can be a source of laughter for others. Some said, maybe I should have asked for her # or that this could be one of those “connections lost”.  Some suggested I go on Craigslist to try and find this girl.

Well…..Going on Craigslist was not needed.  Tomorrow I will share part two.

Lesson here: NEVER HIGH 5 A CUTE WOMAN !

Mini

That Girl…..

In a few moments of sarcasm, funny looks and a little flirting, she had me.

At first it was her look, innocent yet devilish, those eyes and her wit.

As time progressed it became her intelligence, her confidence, the way her sarcasm put me in my place. It was her laugh, seeing her smile, how she made feel real, relevant and funny.  Her affinity for Minions, Lime Chillers, Hockey Boyfriends.  The way I felt normal through conversations, texts and time spent hanging out.

CHILLER
Lime Chiller…..mmm Tasty

It was her slight awkwardness, the way her eyes told her stories or that smirk that made you wonder.

It was her determination, feistiness, her tough yet soft demeanor, her shield. It was all of these that made this “like” genuine and for the right reasons.

Man up Mini.

In the moments where nothing made sense, that girl did.

 

Mini.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...