If Facebook life is perfect, our real ones are too right ? Part 2

Sadly, everyday I spend way more time on social media than I probably should however, I also spend a ton of time on phone calls, texts and sometimes when time permits….coffee with friends.

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey. And you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life rely begins.”

– Bob Moawad

 I love this quote.  I love it because, I get it finally.  I am almost there, to the point of really ensuring my life is my own.  The scars and all.

In my previous post I shared the story behind my most liked photo, to kinda show how imperfect that photo is, even though I was proud of the end result.

Today, I want to discuss how I compare myself to others.  This is where Social Media makes us all think we are not good enough. What you read going forward it also why I need a break from Facebook.

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People on Beautiful Vacations…compare, why can’t I have a trip that looks that much fun ?

 

Facebook and 3 am.

 Here is yet another night, 3:00 am, I am bored and no longer interested in editing photos.  What is Facebook land up to ?  Let us take a look.

Oh man, “he” is really kicking ass at the gym, I wish I could have abs like him, hell I’d even settle for toned arms, too bad my strength is only cardio.

Haha, look at how cute their little human is, too cute for words.  Mom and Dad look so happy as newer parents.  Hmm, am I really getting to old to have kids?  Geez I will be 39 soon.  Of course, I have to actually date to be able to make a tiny human of my own.  I love kids, meh, maybe one day but I would love to have a child look at me with eyes full of love.  OK, anyway…

Oh wow, she is looking stunning.  Love that smile.  Maybe, no, can’t ask her out, far from her type.

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Oh, to have someone to hold like this ….Maybe.

Look at that photographer !!I love this persons work, their photography is something I am just amazed by, I need to learn how to take shots like that but just don’t have time.  Seriously, wow, I just spent an hour looking through their portfolio, mine is good but definitely not to the talent level of him/her.

Scroll, scroll, scroll…… Looks like some people did some fun stuff today.  I am kinda boring.  I edited, I read, napped like a cat again, enjoyed a little sunshine but stayed in Calgary.  Sometimes a camping invite or hike would be nice.  Maybe I should be the one inviting.

I really should call  him/ her.  Meh, they’d be too busy with their family to hang out.  The joys of being a single person when all your friends have young families or new boyfriends/ girlfriends.

I hate being so damn busy, but….ugh, more free time would be just nice to try a few of these things that he is doing.

Oh look, she said I am an awesome guy, inspiration.  Can’t see why she’d say this.  I am just me, always have been, no one special, just someone who wants to see others smile, just a guy always trying to be better.  Just Me.

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Just me, always finding ways to smile.

 

Why do we do this ?  Why do we compare? 

OK, so ya, those are thoughts I have had when looking at Facebook.  Other things that happen at 3 am.  Let’s just say it is a lonely hour,  In fact it is when I feel most alone.  No one to call, no one to go home to, just me.   It is the time when I  am jealous of those who have someone to sleep beside.

 So when I look on Social Media,  I begin to question my self worth, my level of exciting and my mind drives forward thinking of ways to make my life exciting again, in a sense so others may notice.  I think I am boring, I don’t go out much, I get more exhausted than I show, I cat nap and get social anxiety.

My goal going forward is not to compare my life to those around me.  It won’t be easy.  Just like those around me, I know others compare themselves to me and think my life is always happy.  Now, to be clear, overall I am happy but I am not living my life for me in the way I want.

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I have said to others who have come to me upset or falling into bad habits, that if you don’t like it, change it.  Time to take my own advice.

I am ok with being imperfect.  What I am not ok with is not living my life with passion and desire and rather than doing something about it, I sit here, compare and think I am just not good enough, smart  enough, creative enough or talented enough.

 Next time you are online and comparing your life to others, just remember someone is comparing their life to yours.

 

I would love to hear your stories of comparison.  Will you set a goal like me to stop it ? 

 

Mini

 

 

 

The Feeling of Indifference

The feeling of indifference….

Lately I have been “off”, or so I have been told.

 

Photo courtesy of : www.livelifehappy.com
Photo courtesy of : www.livelifehappy.com

How do you really explain the unexplainable ? I am becoming exhausted just trying.  It’s a constant struggle.

I have been different since my heart attack and I totally get it.  Part of it is the PTSD, part of it is the exhaustion from trying to make sense of all that goes on in my brain and part of it is trying to not allow myself to take on the problems of others as much as I use to.

So, with this post I am going to try my best to explain.  I am not sure if it is for the clarification of others or for myself to understand better.

Recently more people have mentioned my change.  A sampling of the things I have been told …. “you seem indifferent, spaced out, like you don’t care, less social, not as happy as you once were and my personal favorite- you’ve become a bit of an ass.

Ya, I am different now , It’s not that I don’t care.  But I care less now about trivial things that can be dealt with if someone really wants to fix their problem.  I care more about getting my life together.

DATING INSTRUCTOR

There are days I am just trying to get through the day because I can’t clear my head out, nights I do not sleep for the same reasons.  If you see me walking around like I am in my own world, there is a solid chance that is exactly what it is.  I am pre occupied with my thoughts, not all negative. Many are of what I appreciate each day and week.  For example, I can run again J

I can’t process thoughts or feelings well at all.  This frustrates so many people around me and gets me into situations that leave me looking like an ass or that I absolutely do not care about the feelings of others.  It causes me major lapses and errors in judgement.   It allows people to put me in a corner that I have a hard time getting out of.  So I just walk away and hide for a few days.  I figure this way I don’t have to repeatedly explain the “Why” and keep myself out of uncomfortable situations .   It is difficult to know you should be feeling something  and yet,  you can’t process it.  Good luck catching me feeling empathy, anger, sadness and lately even being as excitable as usual.  I just can’t and I don’t know when this will change.

I am becoming more into being alone and not being around people.  There are many reasons for this but the main one being I don’t risk upsetting, hurting or pissing someone off unintentionally.  I am doing this with a little more regularity and it is not intentional.

I hate using my heart attack as a reason but ultimately it is the reason I view everything differently now.

When my thoughts run rampant on any given night it can range from the good things of my day but more often than not they are about how lost I feel in my own world.  Loneliness, lack of satisfaction in my ability to find a new job, how to move forward in my life, my love life or lack thereof, who are my friends and who is taking advantage of me.  What I want for myself and how I need direction to get there.

I can’t be who I was.  I am a different man now.  I am adjusting to this new me.  Please be patient as I am a work in progress but deep inside I am still here.  I am indifferent, for now.

 

Mini

Bullying 23 years later, Grow Up !

Lucky you, you get two posts today !  I had to write about an experience I had tonight that floored me and made me realize some people never grow up.

I was at a coffee shop editing photos when I ran into someone from Elementary/ Jr. High Jr Hgh 2tonight….It’s amazing what some people remember some 23 years since you have seen them last and yet they still sit there and laugh at you thinking it’s ok. Ya I was a geek, a loser back then, but did they seriously have to remind me with laughter how people like them tormented me for being the little guy ? Ya, you put me in lockers, teased me and spoke harsh words… Some people never grow up, glad I did.

 

 

 

HS

I almost feel sorry for this person.  I mean, they are still hanging onto what they did to me and yet seemed to have little remorse as if it was ok to do what they did all those years ago.  To still laugh and tell the friend who was with them these quick stories about me banging on my locker begging someone to let me out.  I kinda wonder what this person’s life is like now ?  Are they still a bully ? Do they not care about how they affect others around them?  Are they leading a full life or a sad and empty existence ?  Do I really care? Not really.  Life is good now and i can confidently walk away knowing that in those situations I am by far the better person still 23 years later.

 

 

I have been told in the past that I care too much for people. This person is one of those reasons I care too much.  I don’t like to see people feel things I have and I care enough to help where and when I can.

Makes me thankful I am not bullied in today’s generation and yet feel even more sorry for people who are bullied nowadays and can’t just escape from their tormentors.  I would take the bullying I received back then over anything kids experience now.

ME

 

What the heck is wrong with people ?

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