The feeling of indifference….
Lately I have been “off”, or so I have been told.
How do you really explain the unexplainable ? I am becoming exhausted just trying. It’s a constant struggle.
I have been different since my heart attack and I totally get it. Part of it is the PTSD, part of it is the exhaustion from trying to make sense of all that goes on in my brain and part of it is trying to not allow myself to take on the problems of others as much as I use to.
So, with this post I am going to try my best to explain. I am not sure if it is for the clarification of others or for myself to understand better.
Recently more people have mentioned my change. A sampling of the things I have been told …. “you seem indifferent, spaced out, like you don’t care, less social, not as happy as you once were and my personal favorite- you’ve become a bit of an ass.
Ya, I am different now , It’s not that I don’t care. But I care less now about trivial things that can be dealt with if someone really wants to fix their problem. I care more about getting my life together.
There are days I am just trying to get through the day because I can’t clear my head out, nights I do not sleep for the same reasons. If you see me walking around like I am in my own world, there is a solid chance that is exactly what it is. I am pre occupied with my thoughts, not all negative. Many are of what I appreciate each day and week. For example, I can run again J
I can’t process thoughts or feelings well at all. This frustrates so many people around me and gets me into situations that leave me looking like an ass or that I absolutely do not care about the feelings of others. It causes me major lapses and errors in judgement. It allows people to put me in a corner that I have a hard time getting out of. So I just walk away and hide for a few days. I figure this way I don’t have to repeatedly explain the “Why” and keep myself out of uncomfortable situations . It is difficult to know you should be feeling something and yet, you can’t process it. Good luck catching me feeling empathy, anger, sadness and lately even being as excitable as usual. I just can’t and I don’t know when this will change.
I am becoming more into being alone and not being around people. There are many reasons for this but the main one being I don’t risk upsetting, hurting or pissing someone off unintentionally. I am doing this with a little more regularity and it is not intentional.
I hate using my heart attack as a reason but ultimately it is the reason I view everything differently now.
When my thoughts run rampant on any given night it can range from the good things of my day but more often than not they are about how lost I feel in my own world. Loneliness, lack of satisfaction in my ability to find a new job, how to move forward in my life, my love life or lack thereof, who are my friends and who is taking advantage of me. What I want for myself and how I need direction to get there.
I can’t be who I was. I am a different man now. I am adjusting to this new me. Please be patient as I am a work in progress but deep inside I am still here. I am indifferent, for now.