2017 Time to write again.
For most 2016 was to put it lightly was a pretty rough year. I saw many friends hit some lows, struggle with themselves in relation to the world. I spoke with friends who battled depression, loss, illness and many other things that made life tough.
For me, 2016 was a mix of both challenge and greatness but the great did not come until I began to open myself up. I stopped updating my blog, in part because I got super busy and part because I was struggling with myself. It is so hard to write when your mind wanders so much that you have no idea what to add to your blog. I was struggling with my direction and struggling as I stepped away from comparison. Comparison with other bloggers, photographers and others whom I deem successful. I wanted to be like some of these people but needed to figure out how not to keep selling myself short. To accept talents that I play down, things about me that although drive some people crazy but others love immensely. I am “just me”.
You see, I also made myself way too busy, which only briefly distracted me from the fact that although I am a caring person I began to pull back. The pull back came from stress, from loneliness and from rejection from some people. I made myself busy to block people from getting too close. To me, my heart was too valuable to allow it to keep getting rejection from people who, now I realize were not worth the effort. This lead to just being afraid of even trying for the ones who were worth it. When you are afraid of people getting too close because you don’t think you are worth people’s time then you find a way to still be around people but keep them at a distance. Because, I love people and the energy I gain from them.
I did surround myself with things I enjoyed doing like my photography, volunteering, reffing hockey and for a brief moment…writing. I would say around May, maybe June I began to realize that by keeping people at a distance, I was hurting myself. When you desire companionship, like most humans do, pulling away only increases the loneliness.
The one thing I have yet to mention, is that since January, I began to feel a spattering of emotion again. Now, you may be thinking, awesome dude, I know how much you were struggling with no feelings. Ya, wrong, not awesome. My first emotion to come back was anger. I was not being as patient as I use to, this was affecting me at work and I wanted to be alone a lot more when I was on my own time.
I began taking forever to return messages, texts and calls. This did lead to losing potential clients and made a few friends angry. I know when stressed or anxious, I tend to pull back, to think and also to be sure I do not say something harmful to people.
As time went on, I knew something had to change, I needed to learn to deal and to make a few changes.
So, the first step was to finally book a trip I have wanted to do for years but made every excuse not to. May 2016, on an impulse I booked a trip to Thailand then asked for the time off. Risky ? yes, there is a chance I could get the time declined. Toss it into the universe, I thought. My hunch was right and it worked. This became life changing for me.
I had also signed up for another insane physical challenge as this is something I need to keep moving forward in my life. At the urge of my friend Sarah, I signed up to do the Spartan Trifecta challenge. Little did she or anyone know then, that this stretched my budget, I really couldn’t afford it but I also couldn’t afford not to. I wanted to support her in her journey not knowing exactly how all of this would affect me. Supporting her changed me. These events over the summer and fall would also be life changing for me. I still battled anxiety and even some self doubt going into these but it was, just like the Goofy challenge in January about remembering what one person can overcome when they stop doubting and start doing, even when scared.
I have no idea what 2017 will bring, nor am I making resolutions. I will, like always make some goals, sign up for a few things that challenge me and continue on the road that I started in 2017 which has help me build confidence, open my heart again and start to realize that even if the things I do drive people nuts, they make me who I am and why some people love me.
Writing has been a great outlet and I have so much to talk to about and for the first time, I don’t care if people “Like” what I write because at the end of the day, my blog is for me to share my wins, my losses, my challenges and document my life and my continued journey since my Heart Attack.
I may have readers, I may not but that is ok. Let it be what it will be as I go along. Set goals and keep kicking ass.
I cannot promise I will be perfect at updating this blog, I can promise, in the very least, I will try.
Cheers to a rockin 2017 my friends !