Not Good at Being Selfish.
So, I kind of disappeared again. I apologize, yet, I don’t all at once. I don’t expect this to make sense.
In January I got lazy and was dealing with personal and job issues. I started to close off a bit. February I focused on the Heart Attack stories of others, which was amazing and therapeutic. The beginning of March I overloaded my calendar with appointments, outings and allowed my brain to take over. I also gained about 12 lbs in those months which made me feel like I was letting myself down and falling into old habits of putting off working out.
What changed ? I was becoming exhausted and not feeling well. I realized at one point that between December and March I lost complete focus on the most important person in my life. Me. It was beginning to affect my health. Mentally and Physically.
So, I sat at Denny’s late one night and started to schedule some “me” time. I actually created a calendar, cause I’m cool that way ha ha. A part of writing this blog for me is to be honest, write about what I know and learn as I go. I didn’t start this out to become a professional writer or get published. I started this to become a better me and get my thoughts, body and my goals in sync. I was beginning to fail at this.
I lost sight of what I was doing and where I was going.
I do not do selfish well. Those who know me well will, I think, agree. Too often I put the needs and wants of others ahead of myself. I do enjoy giving of myself but sometimes I just give too much. As an ex girlfriend once said to me….. “ your problem is your care too much.” She was right.
If you gave me a huge bundle of money, there is a solid chance I would spend on others long before I buy myself something and even then I would analyze my purchase until I was blue in the face.
OK, back to my point. Although the last paragraph kinda states a bit of my point.
So me, back to me. I have spent the last 6 weeks getting back to what was important to me. Yes, I have written, just not posted. I have re dedicated myself to the gym. Focus mainly on cardio. I have lost 6 of the 12 lbs I gained, my energy has returned…sorta. I need to work harder on not napping after work. I am in training for my first Half Marathon post Heart Attack, so there is that as well.
I don’t do selfish well but in the coming months my goal is to learn to balance my desire to give of myself AND focus on me. I hate saying no, I struggle with the word, always have. So, friends if you hear me say no more often than I say yes in the coming months, it is not you, it really is me. I have to pick and choose my time and how I spend it.
I do have projects on the go that I am excited about. One very dear to my heart, my annual Dodgeball Tournament to raise money for the Alberta Children’s Hospital is coming up and that will consume a good chunk of my time until June. So, it’s me, the tournament and occasional gatherings in the coming months.
I have some mental and physical goals to reach this year. Maybe once I reach them the balance can shift again. My main goal for now is to be better than I was the day before, every day. Please bear with me but if you can’t handle it then I get it.
It is me, not you.